Pushing Onwards

Post-NaNo is always weird, and when NaNo itself is weird, it's even weirder. I have never been a multi-tasker when it comes to writing, and I know this, but somehow my brain refuses to accept it. When I start a project, I want to see it to the end until it's done. Unfortunately, now I have two projects I love equally, both vying for my attention. It's driving me crazy. This is why I wanted to finish Book 4 by December -- to get it out the way and out of my head to clear the way for MP. 

But after, a week or so of beating myself up and getting nothing done on anything (and some much-needed pep from Sarah) I have relaxed. Things will take as much time as they need, and it's okay if I don't finish everything now. So I'm taking each day, each hour as it comes, dabbling in Book 4 and making my notes for Book 1. They're both coming together and it's exciting to see. This is my hobby, and if it's not enjoyable then it's not worth doing. 

As it stands, I'm 62k into Book 4 and about to hit the Grand Finale, and I've done 30 pages of notes for MP. Although I've printed off the MS, I'm making my notes separately in a little notebook (actually too little -- I'm going to need four before it's all done!) and it's working really well. It's forcing me to be thorough and detailed in a way I wouldn't be just making notes in the margins. 

I'm finding micro-editing to be the most satisfying part of the process so far, when everything is there, all laid out, and it's just a matter of fine-tuning and finally getting it to the point where it looks the way you imagined it to be. It's been a very long journey, but the end is in sight and I think I'll be proud of the outcome. *fingers crossed* 

I've discovered a lot of reeaally good music lately, but here's what I'm listening to on loop right now -- Hayley Westenra: Listen to the Wind. I've always loved her music (Across the Universe of Time will always be one of my top songs) so it was really exciting to find something new that fit so perfectly with my WIPs. 

A Good Day

Today was really really really good and I got over two huge humps and I think I've cleared my path to The End and I'm really really excited and I've just been writing all day and I can't stop and maybe I"ll be able to finish this week?? Also I found out they've made a movie of one of my favourite books (Room) and the trailer's amazing and I can't stop listening to the song in the soundtrack. Gaaaahhh! Today was really really good ^^

NaNo Season is Well Underway!

There's still three weeks to go, but NaNo is in the air! The forums have exploded with life in a way that I really felt was lacking last year. I love it!! Struggling to come to terms with the fact that there's no way in hell I'll be able to keep up with every thread though! It's great to watch the influx of new NaNo'ers, seeing all the usual threads pop up ('Said is Dead' being a favourite) and my own decorations are starting to go up for the festivities. Kage of RLyis  has made me a beautiful banner,

there's a cover in the works, and I've been chatting with a supremely talented artist and doing my first art swap (eep!) One of my favourite parts of the season is meeting new writers, so it's a thrill to have some conversations going already.

Sarah and I are planning a 15k day on the 2nd (god help us) and although I haven't made a set word-goal, that'll put me in a good position to achieve my real target of writing the whole novel in a month. I expect it'll go over 50k, but I don't think I'll be double novelling this year. 'And I Loved You First' is going to be a much denser first draft, if my inklings are correct. Crazy excited for it!!

Moon Path is coming along. I'm still hoping to finish by November, but I'll be okay if I have to take a pause. The children (by which I mean my adult characters who should know better) have been driving me crazy this week, but I think I've finally wrangled them into shape. Now I have to work out where The Big Reveal is going to happen, and I have a nasty suspicion it should already have taken place. Ugh. But we'll see. 

Here's some music -- 'You Wait for Rain' by Kyler England. It's freakishly perfect for Moon Path. It's been on repeat for the last three days.

Happy writings! 

Is It November Yet?

But actually.

How am I supposed to concentrate on Book 1 when I have Book 4 stuck in my brain?

Unbearable Kai feels today/everyday.

Just gonna leave this here...

A Day of Good Things

Bababaaaaa! I finished Part 1 today! Clocking in at 37k! A liiiittle concerned that's it's 10k longer than Part 1 of the previous draft, but it'll all get pruned down later. Debating whether to continue onward and upward tomorrow, or go back and do some tweaking. Maybe both?

Exercise wise, I did double what I did yesterday!! AND I didn't die too hard. Bought some shorts and my first sports bra today, so that's cemented me resolve to actually do this. My biggest problem seems to be my wrists (from carpal tunnel) and my ankles (from my lifelong habit of walking on tip-toes) Not really sure what I can do about this, but I'm hoping they'll both get stronger than more I do.

In other crazy exciting news (to me at least!) I've found the soundtrack from 2002 Peter Pan by James Newton Howard on Spotify!! It's not on the UK one, so I wasn't expected it to pop up when I searched for the Disney soundtrack today but hurrah!! 

Existential Crisis Update

Feeling much better about my gameplan today after chatting to some NaNo peeps that know what they're talking about (Thank god for them!) Figured I should stick this up for anyone else having a similar kind of stress.

Basically, what it comes down to is contracts, and that's the sort of thing your agent is there for. You can negotiate a contract in which you keep the rights to your world and characters. Your publisher gets first refusal on sequels, but if they don't want it, then you aren't stuck. 

Contracts aren't permanent either, meaning that after a certain period they are either renewed or the rights return to you. 

Long story short: Don't Panic! Everything's going to be okay! And I'm going to continue on with my plan :) 

----

In other news, I hit 20k on my draft yesterday! It's taking shape very nicely, and I'm really thinking that, after this draft, it's only going to need a polish up before it's ready to go. no more complete rewrites (Hahahahaha and I only thought I'd have to do that once!!!) I can't believe I'm going to have four completely versions of this story when's all said and done! And it's only been a year (almost exactly) since I started the rewrites... That's a lot of words. Not including two novels in November. And ghostwriting. And fic. I'm surprised I have any fingers/brain left!

I got a seriously interesting critique back from a good friend of mine yesterday, Amie. To paraphrase, it's not her cup of tea because she's not a fan of lit-fic, and she couldn't get past the literariness to the substance. 

I didn't freak out at all, which kind of surprised me. I really value her opinion and she put it in a really interesting way that's given me a lot to think about.

I certainly don't see it as lit-fic, but then again, I don't really see it as anythng. It just is what it is; something that I'd like to read. And I guess, what I like to read, is lit-fic. That makes a lot of sense to me, even though it wasn't what I was aiming for. And it fits in with what other people have said (whose cup of tea it was) So, whilst it's made me realise that I will have to work to make it a little more accessible in the edits (especially the beginning) It's also made me feel a bit better about the whole labelling thing. Hopefully, by the time it's finished-finished, I'll know for certain what it Is! 

It's funny though; I spent most of my teenage-hood (and 20-21) being the worst kind of literature snob. YA was a dirty word to me, so it was almost an insult when my grandmother called my first draft YA. But then I came to terms with it, chilled out, and made me peace with YA. I love the stories it produces, and to be doing that was fine with me. 

So much so that when it's called lit-fic, I'm right back there feeling almost insulted initially haha! But that lasted for less than a second, and now I'm just curious. Can YA be Lit-Fic, and vice versa? Whatever it turns out to be, it's what I like to read, and maybe I just have to work that one out. 

Have some beautiful music (because for some reason I've stopped doing that lately?)

Song for Bob by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis -- I have it on loop this week! Really gorgeous piece of instrumental music. Perfect cellos are perfect. 

Self-Induced Deadlines

The problem with self-induced deadlines is that you feel shitty when you don't hit them.

The good thing about self-induced deadlines is that you feel shitty when don't hit them which makes you bloody well hit them. 

I'm a couple of thousand words away from The End.

I am procrastinating.

But I've said, loudly and often, that I'm Finishing My Book Today. So I will. So there. I can't stop me. 

This is what I'm listening to repeat all day -- 'Feel the Light' by Jennifer Lopez from the Home soundtrack. Brilliant, perfect song. 

I guess I should probably go do those words. 

Visa and Writing Updates

And there we are! I have my visa and my passport is coming back to me within ten working days :D The sun is shining and I'm feeling excited about my writing again -- Life is good! 

I've done a bad thing, but a good thing for me -- I've restarted my story again. Well, sort of. I always knew I wanted to go back and redo the beginning and recently I've had a terrible craving for present tense, so I'm doing some experimenting with that; going back and re-reading the stuff I did almost a year ago now, right at the very beginning of the project. And I actually really like it. Definitely going to try and incorporate that into what I've got. I really didn't think I was going to need another rewrite, considering how happy I've been with what I've got so far, but the idea of making it even better as really got my blood going again! 

My goal is to have a completed draft done sometime in March, ready for when Camp comes along in April (!!!) This year is already going so fast! And the last year too... I can't believe I've been working on this story properly for a year! It sort of feels like I haven't got as far as I'd like to with it, then I remember that I handwrote a draft, did 40k of rewrites AND wrote two novels in NaNo... Perspective. Or something! But this year will be better. I know what I'm doing now, and all I need to do is do it. 

Thoughts for Camp... Well, I really would like to do the final book in this series (I, amongst others, really want to know what happens!) but I also want to write Kai and Tamsyn's story as a sort of parallel, and I also want to do a sort of prequel with Lysandis and Aurelia, and I also want to do something completely different although I have no idea what, but I love pantsing! I don't know... I suppose I'll see how much of break from this world I'll need once Book 1's done. 

Okay, so here's what I'm listening to today -- Page 47 from National Treasure 2 by Trevor Rabin. I might've already posted this, but I love it so much! It's such a gorgeous piece of music!

Revision Update

I am currently on page 294 of 397, and it's going well. Not being able to justify the nice fluffy ending I had finished with on the fifteenth, I spent the 16th talking it through with a writing-buddy and came up with a thousand words of rip-your-heart-out-and-shove-it-down-your-throat angst which feels much more natural to end Dragons on. 

Reading through has, so far, been much less excruciating than I had expected it to be. The further in I get, though, the more nervous I become. I certainly understand why people advise letting the MS rest before tackling it. It's much more pleasant to read with fresh, reader's eyes than re-visit the words you wrote only a matter of days ago. Still, it's not as bad as I expected it to be. And I'm trying to keep reminding myself that I wrote two novels in a month and a half so what can I really expect? 

Ugh! I'm itching to continue the story, though, but I really need to get back to Book 1. I think I'm going to hand-sketch Book 4, just dabble with it casually whilst I'm writing 'Moon Path'. My concrete goal for 2015 is to start querying so I really need a finished manuscript ASAP. 

Today it is beautiful and snowing, and I've done all my xmas shopping (how is it only a week 'til xmas???) so I think I'll count this as a good day :) Hopefully I'll finish up revision tomorrow so I can order my Createspace copies. Waah! I'm so excited to see it in print!! 

Here's what I'm listening to today -- Fall Out Boy & Taylor Swift: My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark, Live. Supreme.

A Good Day

Today was a good day, writing-wise and personally. Made big steps in my visa application and didn't have a panic-attack when I checked by bank-account. I feel like I can breathe again. 

Writing was slow but good. It was one of those scenes that needed to be maneuvered carefully and revised a couple of times to get right, but I'm very pleased with the end product. The characters have done what they needed to do and stayed true to character, which was particularly tricky today. Very much a matter of compromise. I am both excited and terrified of my writing schedule for tomorrow. I'm giving myself the evening off to just think about it. Once I've got past this point, the rest should come pretty smoothly (maybe hopefully??)

Here's some appropriate music :)

Only a Dream by Mary Chapin Carpenter

Distractions

It's so easy to get caught up in everything else -- forums and feedback and blog-posts and keeping up with messages -- that you forget that actually, when it comes down to it, the story is the important part.

What I mean is, I've been so caught up in people recently. Talking to people about writing and reviewing excerpts etc. really does give a similar sense of achievement as writing a thousand words does. It's so easy to forget that, without the words of *your* story, none of the rest of it would exist. It's all just decoration and, at the end of the day, when you strip it all down, it's just you that's left with the words you have written. 

I love love LOVE chatting away to other writers. I love being part of an awesomely supportive community. I love encouraging them on bad days and cheering on the good ones, and I love that other people do that for me too. I love doing swaps and reading NaNo novels. I love feeling like I've played a part in someone achieving their dreams. I love that writing *isn't* lonely.

But, if the internet shut down tomorrow, it would just be you and your words. And I think that's an important thing to remember. 

Oh, did I tell you I hit my goal of 85k yesterday? That was a good time. 

Today my goal is less exciting (but it's an at-home day, so that's okay) I want to get to the end of this scene and get a good hook into the next one for tomorrow. Just a few hundred words, I expect, but that's fine with me. 

Alright, music for the day! I'm on a huge Taylor Swift kick right -- that woman is doing awesome things in the music world right now. Every day I'm more and more impressed. So here's Blank Space.

A Creature of Habit

Last year, I was pretty pleased that I'd managed to break myself out of bad habits -- I could happily scribble away anywhere with anything, setting and circumstance didn't matter. And I've been pretty good at sustaining that... until recently.

Now I find it impossible to write at home on my laptop. Which is fine on the days we're in Starbucks, but less fine on the days off. I don't know what it is -- I just can't concentrate at home like I used to :P Too many distractions, I suppose. Need to work on getting back into good habits, especially now my daily output is dwindling. 

Saying that, today's been another good day. A big reveal's on the shore and the characters are behaving themselves nicely. And words are coming easily! I think I'm still riding off the back of yesterday. Got some real nice compliments on my most recent excerpt, and good reviews are pretty potent as fuel! Hopefully it'll last!

Having Lilo and Stitch cravings today (such a good movie don't even talk to me) so let's have some of that here!

“Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.” -- Neil Gaiman

Today was a good writing day, and I will share an excerpt with you -- 

Squeezing his legs as tight as he could to Loam's sides and clasping his hands around Kai's middle, Dakin squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on his breathing to keep the instinctive panic at bay as he felt the dragon's muscles shift and move beneath them as they lurched towards the mouth of the cave. It was bumpier than he had expected it to be; the dragon was awkward in its gait, and with every heavy step Dakin felt as though he was about to be flung off. And this was only when they were on the ground, and walking! Heaven knows what it would be like when they were actually up in the air... Seriously regretting letting himself get talked into this, Dakin pressed his forehead to Kai back and concentrated on not throwing up as the cool sea hair ruffled his hair.

With room to stretched, Loam spread its wings -- wide and leathery and quivering -- out then up, then out again, stretching out the kinks as one does with their arms after sleeping. The satisfied shudder coursed through its body, starting at the very tips of its wings and down and across its back, shaking the riders along with it. 

Kai chuckled when he felt Dakin's grip tighten in response. "Relax," he murmured. "You'll make Loam nervous. And a nervous dragon is not a safe dragon." 

"You're not helping," came the muffled response, hot through his jacket. "Just tell me when it's over so I can look." 

"I bet you anything you like that within ten minutes you'll've opened your eyes and won't be able to shut them again 'till we land." 

Dakin gave an indistinct mumble of *doubt in response. 

Knowing that he was absolutely right, Kai leaned forward and patted Loam's neck. "Come on then, dragon. Let's show him what it's all about." 

A squeak emitted from Dakin's lips as he felt them dip down like a coiled spring. It was happening and there was not a thing he could do about it and oh god-- 

There was a sharp rush of air and the squeak turned into a shriek as they suddenly hurtled upwards; the heavy beat of wings pulsing deafeningly in his ears, louder than the raor of the wind and the rush of his own blood. Up and down, they sank and rose like a ship on the most turbulent sea, higher and higher until the air was thin and crisp and cool, and only the steady throb of adrenaline kept his skin hot. 

Kai gritted his teeth against the sharp pain of Dakin's fingers digging into his middle and patted the dragon's neck a second time. 

At once, the wings stopped beating and the jerky movements smoothed out into a sleek glide, broken every now and then by a single smooth stroke just to keep them up. 

As they soared high and fast above the sea -- their silhouette a tiny shape skimming across the water below them -- little by little Dakin's grip began to relax and the high-strung tension in his body start to ease. 

Tucking his ruffling hair behind his ear, Kai glanced briefly backwards to see Dakin peeking out with wide blue eyes. "I told you so." 

Now that he didn't feel like he was going to be thrown off at any moment, Dakin swallowed down the last remnants of terror and eased himself carefully away from Kai, raising his head to take it all in. 

"Wow." 

Kai's laugh reverberated through them both. "Breathe it in," he said. "You'll find no sweeter taste in this life." 

Dakin obeyed, taking in a lung-full through the mouth. Kai was right. He'd never felt anything like it before. "What is it?" 

"Freedom," Kai told him, stooping low over Loam’s neck as they made a wide, sweeping turn to the left. "The freedom of dragons."

Excuse the cheesiness of the ending, I couldn't resist! I expect it'll get tweaked/aggressively deleted in the rewrite, but it's first draft so I can do what I like :)

I'm hoping to finish up this draft within the next few weeks (did I already tell you that?) The end is nigh, and I can already see the sequel series in the distance. Maybe. If the loss is too much to bare. I hate endings. Endings are worse than beginnings a thousand times over.

Here's what I'm listening to today --

Coming Home pt.II  - A very pretty song that popped up Pandora last week

Aaand, because I don't know why I haven't recc'd this yet, The Call by Regina Spektor for the Prince Caspian Soundtrack. I am passionate about this song at the moment. A good song for endings :)

Today Will Be A Better Day!

As predicted, yesterday's slump has not (thankfully) lasted. I am pumped, I am prepared, I am ready to get back down to business! Aww yeah! Bring it!

The more time I spend in the 'Say Something Nice About the Excerpt Above You' (Located in NaNoWriMo Ate My Soul, for anyone who wants to pop by and join the party!) the more I'm starting to think about my revision, what needs to be added. As usual, I have completely neglected Alyk in any of the excerpts I've put up, which is terrible because he is such a crucial character! It was only when someone mentioned wanting to know more about him when he was mentioned in passed that I realised that, once again, I was pretty much pretending he doesn't exist. This needs to change. I can feel myself doing it to Tamsyn too, side-lining her in favour of other characters. Its just like Joanna all over again who's been completely cut from the first first draft.

It's ridiculous, really, because I know what parts they all play and how it's going to work out and why they're important etc. etc. but there just doesn't seem to be enough words in a day to include everything. 

Oh well, at least I"m aware of it, and that's what revision's for, right?

In other news, hello all the new people following this blog! I'm completely overwhelmed by the traffic coming through here and seeing where everyone's coming from (This morning, Russia seems to be the most popular and yesterday was the Netherlands!) I've been getting upwards of fifty hits a day for the past three days, so the pressure's on to keep your attention (I expect it'll subside soon when everyone realises how boring this blog usually is!) 

Today is very exciting; finally getting around to The Big Climax. I'm still not 100% how to play it, but I'm just going to go with what feels right and not over-think it too much. I need to catch up on my wordcount if I want to order my createspace books by January! A very kind NaNo'er gave me a spare code so now I can order four paper backs when it's done :D At the moment, this year's manuscript stands at 375-ish pages and I've still got a good 25K to go. It's gonna be a brick!

This is what I'm listening to at the moment -

'I Will Find You' from The Last of the Mohicans Soundtrack. A truly haunting ear-worm.I saw the movie years and years ago, and I really do need to see it again. It's brilliant, visually, emotionally and, of course, musically. Not for the faint-hearted though! Enjoy :)

NaNoWriMo 2014 - Day 24

Happy Thanksgiving, American readers! I know it's two days away, but we're popping off to Kansas City tomorrow to spend it with Christine's brother and his family, so better now than late :)

At 71,000 words today and feeling good. I feel like I'm in a nice little routine, not worry about word count and just enjoying spending time on the story. I'm really really enjoying Kai -- which is a huge relief because, as I said earlier, he's quite different to how I originally imagined him -- but I think he's turning into one of my favourites. And today I got to write Ammy for the first time! Writing female characters has has never really come naturally, and I've never attempted a little girl before, but I'm super excited for how she's turning out! She feels very real, and a proper character rather a caricature of a child, which is good because she has a very important part to play. 

I've had some good feedback on the NaNo forums too, especially regarding Kai and Lome and my dialogue. I've always found dialogue to come quite naturally -- it just makes sense to me to write how I hear it -- much more so than description. I'm training myself with description though, because I do have a tendency to put it off >_< Recently, though, I've found settings to come similarly to characters. What I mean by that, is that I have the initial shadow of the idea of them -- character/setting -- but until I start actually writing them, I really have no idea how it's going to turn out. Logan's island I was very worried would be flat and dull, but as the ship approached it suddenly sprung to life like a pop-up book! Relief! 

Anyhow, got some exciting bits coming up soon so I'm psyched to keep going. 

Today I listened to Imagine Dragons' Warriors and was pretty struck by how closely the lyrics related to Laurie, so that's my music for the day :)

A Procrastination Ramble and Music Recs

Hello folks. 

Had a browse at my blog stats today and my gosh! I actually have a fairly large audience! I've always just sort of treated my blog as a diary-type-thing, you know, a place to splurge, but now I have followers and a crazy amount of people that seem to pop by just as I update. 

Please say hello! I don't get notifications about subscribers (not sure if there's a way to do that) but I assume I do have some subscribers, otherwise it's a bizarre coincidence. 

Anyhow, it's Sunday 23rd November and I'm avoiding getting down my words by having an argument about feminism on facebook. I really don't understand how it's even still an issue, I really don't. 

I don't know... I used to be like that -- feminism was a dirty word and all I wanted was to be a house-wife with  a husband who would keep me and give me babies. I didn't want a career, I didn't want independence, I just wanted love and thought that feminism meant the opposite. 

I'm so glad I grew up and learned better. 

I don't hate men -- I have male friends and grandfathers that I love to pieces, but the more aware I am of the ingrained misogyny that *still* exists in our society, even in young, educated men and women that really should know better, it just makes me so angry! It is not okay, and the more feminism is made out to be this outrageous group of crazies, the more people learn that it's acceptable to be like that. I would rather be seen as a feminazi than be apathetic and 'not all men', because men have a hell of a lot to make up for. And yes, all men. All men have a responsibility to be better and to make up for all the shit that women have been put through. Stop making excuses and acting like you're being victimised by feminism -- take it on board and realise that this is what women have been dealing with daily for far too long. Use it to empathise, use it to be better. Stop making it about you. It's not all about you!

*deepbreath*

Okay, that's that for now. 

I haven't done any music recs for a while, so here's a few to make up for it. 

First Little Game  by Benny -- A spectacular new song about the danger of gender roles by a fifteen-year-old filmmaker. Absolutely must listen to!

  

Next, very exciting! The Last Goodbye by Billy Boyd -- Hot from the press, here's the final (!!) Middle Earth End Title Song. Gorgeous. Heart-breaking. *weep*

Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde from the Mockingjay soundtrack is absolutely as good as her last contribution to Hunger Games -- just as gut-wrenching and even more powerful. Really inspiring for those angst-ridden writing moments!

The Hanging Tree by James Newton Howard -- Straight from the Mockingjay soundtrack itself (when is it going to be released??????) and sung by Jennifer Lawrence. My god! This movie! This music! Flawless. I'm still recovering from the preview last week. Just listen to this, if you're a die-hard Hunger Games fan or if you're on the fence, and go see this movie. Be prepared. If I can create something half as intense as these movies, I will be happy. 

I'm also on a Taylor Swift binge at the moment, but I think this is enough to be going on with for the moment.

Peace out :)

A Busy Couple of Months

And it feels like so much longer!

It's been pretty intense, being in St Louis with all that's been going on. Even though we're twenty-miles away from Ferguson, knowing it's just down the road is terrifying. There have been loud bangs going off every evening and no-one seems to know what they are. No-one seems very concerned either, so I'm just trying to follow their lead.

I thank God that Britain isn't pro-gun, I really do. It's another world over here. It's another world twenty-miles away. But the scariest thing is that it isn't another world at all; it's real-life in which people are being gunned down in the streets by rampant, militarized police. We're living in a dystopia.

My own little world has been taken up with writing and visa-applications. One is going well, the other is making me want to rip my hair out. Objectively, it's all going to plan, but I can't seem to make my brain accept that. I'm terrified of it being rejected and wish I could run away from it, but I can't. Once it's done, it'll be the best feeling in the world.

Writing is going very well. I've gone through the 50,000 words mark (!!!) and I've hand-written 147 pages. It feels like an achievement and the closer I come to the end, the happier I am. I know there's going to be a huge amount of work at the other end, but I'll be starting in a place I can be proud of.

Every time I sit down to write, the story and the characters take me off into completely different territory that I could never have planned. All my plans have fallen along the way, but the story as it stands feels right. I'm going to have to take them in hand when I start typing up, but at the moment I'm content to let it develop as it wants to. I've stopped being afraid of giving up - if something's not working, I re-work it until it does.

It's going well.

I've started developing my 2014 NaNo playlist and have rediscovered Brain Crain. Beautiful music, and I especially love his piano/cello duets. Recommended for tranquil writing time.

Big Emotional Climaxes Are Scary

I have often found that the element of the story I am working on that has been in my head the longest is the one I find hardest to commit to paper. I have imagined it time and time again; the imagery is as clear as though it were playing on a screen. I know precisely how my characters feel, I have choreographed their every move, but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to write it down. 

In the past year, I have heard the phrase 'no one can write your story but you' repeated very frequently across the interwebs, and I believe there is a great truth in that. But, as such, I feel the increased pressure to get It Right. Because if I don't - if I fail to express myself perfectly, or fail to paint the picture I have in my imagination - that's all that's going to be left. No one else is going to correct it, no one else is going to make it better. And that is bloody scary! 

I think that's probably why I find it easier to get out the words in my ghostwriting - it doesn't matter so much; I'm not going to be judged so harshly on that. They aren't my stories, so they aren't tied to me in the way that my own work is. My novel is what people will look at to judge me, and so it has to be the best I can make it. Nothing makes me more self-conscious, and that sucks because I am not a self-conscious person. I couldn't care less what people think about me in any other aspect of my life, but I care deeply about what people think of me as a writer. 

Blergh. 

But it's going well, I think. I've started my second second draft (I've been stuck in some sort of Groundhog Day and the missus has finally banned me from starting again, so I need to make this one count!) and I've got thirty-four pages. It coming much more smoothly now I've scrapped my experimental style and gone back to a more simple form. I like it much better - I can go from character to character without it being a bother - and they don't feel as pathetic now. But I've just got to the first Big Emotional Climax and it's making me nervous. It's the turning point of the whole story and I need to get it right. 

Commitment issues, that's what it is. Oh so many commitment issues. 

This is what I'm listening to to try and get me into the zone - I Gave You All by Mumford & Sons

Re-Evaluation Time and Some Music Recs

I've come to the conclusion that the more you think about a project, the harder it is to execute. I'm at a complete block with Bonsai; I know exactly what needs to happen, it just isn't. So I'm going to step back from it and, in a few weeks, start plotting properly. When I was ghostwriting my NA novel, it was extremely helpful to have a scene-by-scene plan, so I think I'm going to make one of those. At the moment, it's very much lacking focus, and I seem to have been sacrificing plot for style. I think I'm going to rewrite in a less experimental way. One of the aspects I was most please with regarding The Moon Path was that it read like a book - it wasn't trying too hard and it flowed well - so I think I need to go back to that.  

Basically, I need to treat it like a ghostwriting project and distance myself from it. 

In other news:

This is what I'm listening to at the moment - 

Lana Del Ray - Gods & Monsters It's taken me a while to discover Lana (yes, I know - I'm super slow!) but now I'm hooked! She has a fantastically unique style - pop-y and hypnotic all at once. Also very keen on Dark Paradise from the same album. 

I have also discovered Taylor Davis - an amazingly talented violinist who popped onto my Tumblr dash a few days ago with her own cover of the Doctor Who theme (see embedded) I thoroughly and passionately recommend checking out her whole Youtube channel, especially her covers of Now We Are Fee (Gladiator)  and Promentory (Last of the Mohicans)

(Almost) A Week Down!

And 8,750(ish) words in! As I am handwriting the whole thing, I am roughly estimating that I write 250 words per page - sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less, usually depending on how much speech there is. But progress is happening, and I'm very pleased with how it's going. 

My characters and my setting feel much more solid this time around; I feel that I now know them as intimately as I do my fanfiction world, which is a big achievement for me seeing as I have struggled for so long to find something of my own to connect to in this way. I always find that I'm making fewer notes, and consulting my notebook less as everything is becoming much more solid in my head. The actual process of writing this time around feels much more organic than it did in November - then, I was writing to prove a point to myself, this time I am writing to get the story out of my head and onto paper. 

I've fallen hard for my characters, although there are only three or four of them so far as opposed to the vast cast I had first time around. I am looking forward to introducing the rest of them, but it's also really nice to give each one the attention they deserve rather than chopping and changing every thousand words or so. I think (hope) the finished product is going to be much more satisfying the second time around! 

Here's what I'm listening to today - Florence + The Machine: Never Let Me Go. If I were to give Dakin a theme-song, this would certainly be it.