Stage Fright

I don't know why I'm so scared -- she's read my stuff before. Afterall, we met through fanfiction. Why is it so different, and so much harder, now?

I hate going through it; the revving myself up, the making myself sick with nerves until I think I'm going to puke, the gross, sweaty hands and the "Ugh." in the pit of my stomach when I hit send....

And then there's the waiting.

The endless waiting.

Has she read it? I don't want to ask, don't want to know, I wish I'd never sent it. Why hasn't she said anything? Has she read it? If has, why hasn't she said anything. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT.

But I have to.

I have to send it.

She wants to read it (at least that's what she says (but that's what she said last time)) so I should be grateful and pleased (so why is it making me sick?)

Why am I so scared? I hate it. I shouldn't be scared. I should trust her. No reason not to.

Butbutbut

But what?

I'm a ridiculous human being.

Success

I did it.

I hand wrote a novel.

190 pages.

Approx. 65000 words.

And it's good.

Like, I know it needs work and tightening... But it's good. I am very very happy with it and I can't stop smiling. I really think I'm going to be pleased when it's finished. Which is, as I'm sure you know, a super big-deal. It's almost impossible to please yourself. And I really think I will.

I've started plotting Book 2. I can't help myself. I've been writing solidly for the past week, like, 3,000 words-ish a day and I can't stop. I was supposed to take a fortnight off and not even think about it, but I can't. Maybe it'll get easier, but today's been tough. It's like going cold-turkey on an addiction. I just *need* to *pick up my pen* and *write*

But I can't.

I won't.

I do need space from it.

The last twenty pages did me in emotionally, and I think I've got physical symptoms from it. About an hour after I finished last night, I got a nose bleed and my stomach hasn't felt good for the past few days. I guess I've been internalizing everything my characters have been feeling. Which is a lot. Like, a lot. The only way I could express those feelings was to write, and by god did I write!

Anyway.

I'm taking a week off.

I am taking a week off.

And I'm going to read and play video games and limit myself to making notes if I absolutely have to.

It's going to be torture, but I need space. I need recuperation.

I am so excited to go back though, and that's a relief because I didn't think I would be. I thought it would be a pain to have to start over and type it up, but I know the story and the characters and my themes inside out and I can't wait to do them all justice.

I can't wait!

This is a song that really inspired the original NaNo Draft, and I think it's still very pertinent to the story -

I've got a lot more to talk about, but I'm still feeling quite dazed, so... later potater!